All my life I have been haunted by God." I remember

the first time I heard my friend Lisa Wagner say those

words. It was during her one-woman play about the life

of Dorothy Day, and it exploded within me: I too had

been haunted by God. As a small child I felt a mysteri-

ous, passionate longing for the Divine. I thought mysti-

cal experiences were natural, that everyone was having

them, and because my roots were deeply embedded in

my Catholic upbringing, it Seemed I had but one re-

course. A month after graduating from high school I

joined a monastery. I would become a priest and devote

my life to prayer and silence, seeking some sort of mys-

tical union with my Beloved. I had dreamed of that day

for many years, and when the huge iron gate closed be-

hind me I knew I had crossed over to a new world.

But the ~npty stillness of the ancient rituals echoed

within me and left me cold. Whatever it was I was

searching for, I wasn t going to find it in the magic for-

mulas and dogmatic insistence of any institution. I had

to leave, to search on my own. I was like Siddhartha

w