Back to school. These are the happiest days of your life

when your kids go back to school. It is the most popular

course in adult education.

Some mothers try to sneak their kids into school early

by lying about their age. The school nurse has to examine

the children for vision, hearing and stilts. I can remember

my own first day at school. My mother came with me

because I was chicken. The principal tried to keep my

mother and send home the chicken.

The school nurse stuck a paddle down my throat, which

was unnecessary. She was so ugly I would have thrown up

anyhow.

I was proud of the box I kept my pencils and erasers in.

I had a beauty, with a secret panel for chewing gum. I

didn t chew myself, but I pushed gum with other kids in

the class. That s how I won the roll of honor for deport-

ment. The rest of the class had chewed themselves out of

the running.

For the first few grades in public school I majored in

syeophancy. I was the teacher s pet. When she told the

class to sit up, I was the only one that begged.

I brought my teacher a rosy apple every week. By the

time I reached grade four I had learned that hard work

and self-discipline were the way to get ahead if you

couldn t steal apples.