IN "WHAT WOULD SUSIE SAY?," Susie Essman sheds the crasser layers to reveal how she went from an anxiety-ridden, struggling stand-up comic to being one of the funniest women on television, playing Susie Greene on HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Emerging as one of the most successful performers in her field, Essman goes behind the scenes of a life in comedy with her funny cohorts, including Joy Behar, Rodney Dangerfield, and, of course, Jeff Garlin and Larry David, while also providing sidesplittingly funny wisdom on a range of topics that she's highly unqualified to expound upon, including men, sports, hypochondria, and stepparenthood. WHAT WOULD SUSIE SAY ABOUT... MARRIAGE? "It took me a long time to find the man I was willing to commit myself to. Even the word "commit" is troublesome. One is committed to a mental institution." MEN WITH DOGS? "As a dog lover, I've researched many different breeds and I've begun to realize that you can tell a lot about a person by what breed of dog they choose to associate with. A bit self-conscious about your cellulite? A guy with a shar-pei is for you. They're hard to find, but cheaper than lipo." THE BEAUTY OF MENOPAUSE? "I guess I just have to accept the fact that I'm going to end up a bald, fat, sweaty, irritable woman with a dry vagina and a full beard who never sleeps and has memory loss so I won't even be able to remember how hot I used to look!" STEPPARENTHOOD? "My mother used to tell me 'you can't buy your kids' love.' Bullshit. You can, and it's exponential. They're like Russian mail-order brides -- the more you spend, the more they love you." "WHAT WOULD SUSIE SAY?" is Essman's irreverent, refreshingly candid, and hilarious retort to the dubious facts of life that we all face.