Quentin Parker, author of Welcome to Horneytown, North Carolina, Population: 15, is an experienced journalist and teacher. He takes pride in having his own official code of conduct (stamped and signed by him) for all aspects of his life, and also believes OCD is an asset, not a liability.

Never hog both armrests when you fly.

Doorways, staircases, and elevator entrances are inappropriate spots to stop and chitchat.

Always remember that one's own poop does, in fact, stink.

When you borrow someone's car, fill it up with gas before you give it back.

These are the unwritten rules of life. Observe them, and one rises above the great unwashed. Observe them not, and one goes straight to trailer trash.

In this hilariously civil guide, you'll learn all of the principles of politesse our mothers tried to teach us--but some of us just weren't listening. So listen up, because our mothers were right: Handsome is as handsome does. If you never really understood what that meant--and who did?--then this book is for you.

The Universal Code of (Formerly) Unwritten Rules: Because some rules should never be broken.